Bah-Humbug?

Not sure what my deal is this year. I'm not feeling the Christmas spirit. I really couldn't care any less about all of it. I think there are several things that come into play here.

1) My faith in God went down the crapper last January and is just now starting to come back. However, just like  anything that goes down the toilet....its gone through some radical changes and it looks nothing like it used to.

2) I'm broke. I'm beyond broke. I wasn't able to get the kids anything this year. I'm very very very thankful for charities that bought gifts for my kids.

3) I'm in a relationship that I know isn't going to work out. Its like wearing a too-small shirt. But I also don't feel that I can't break up with him before Christmas. Just seems wrong. (Since writing this, he has proceeded to freak me out with talks of marriage and more babies. If this continues, my hesitation to break up with him before Christmas will be overcome by my panic at talks of marriage!)

4) I'm tired. I'm bone achingly tired. I think part of this is just winter depression. I struggle with it every year as does my sister. It happens every year and yet every year I am surprised by it. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't want to clean, I don't want to cook, I don't want to be around anyone but I feel lonelier than any other time of the year.

I'm trying to at least be positive and not a downer for my kids. I'm trying to not let them see that the twinkling lights and Christmas songs and all the decorations are grating on me like nails on a chalkboard. Kids are smart though, and I'm pretty sure that they can see right through my sad attempts to be jolly. Harder than my kids though is my mom. I love that woman. I love her so so much. But she has these expectations of the holidays and I'm not meeting her expectations this year. I declined to spend Christmas day with them. When asked why I told her I just want to be a hermit and ignore the holiday. This was met by shock and disbelief. She said that its not healthy for me to shut myself away. I think its not healthy to pretend to be fine when I'm not. *sigh*

So...I hope all of you have a Merry Christmas. I really do. I'm going to enjoy my Christmas snuggled into my bed with my knitting and hope the day passes without incident.