Divorce Blues

Its been almost a year since my divorce was final. A full year and a half since I took the children and left my ex-husband. Its funny, time dulls the hurt for sure but no one tells you that you'll start to forget why you left in the first place. Its such a crazy thing.

But I've been struggling lately. Struggling with being in a relationship that wasn't a good fit and ending it. Wanting to be in a relationship but knowing that now is not the right time and that I need to let my special someone come to me. I really believe that when the time is right, I will meet Mr. Right. But even though I know these things, I'm still lonely. I miss having someone to text through out the day, someone to cuddle up with during movies, someone to care for and someone to care for me. I miss sex. Dear god, I miss sex. 

My ex-husband has been pretty nice lately. And I've been having this strange guilt and regret over the divorce.   The knowledge that my ex would be willing to reconcile combined with this guilt and regret could have led me to do something stupid. But today it was time to clean out the file drawer. There was a lot of things to go through. The last file I went through was my lawyer file. As I started cruising through the papers, it all came back like a tidal wave. The fear, hiding with the children in a safe house until he calmed down. The anger, that he would endanger the children and I. The hurt, that he would lie about me like that to other people, that he would keep me from living in my own home. The betrayal, by him and by the church that told me that I should be more forgiving and stay with an abusive unfaithful man to try to redeem him. The feeling that no one understood my nightmare. I try very hard to not hold on to anger or negative feelings. So it makes sense that all those feelings have faded and I've forgotten much of it. But reading through those papers was such a good reminder that my ex is capable of appearing kind and appearing to care, but that underneath is a predator who wants nothing more than to destroy me. It was a sobering reminder.

Over the last year, I have flirted, talked with men online, gone on actual dates, been in one kinda relationship (I thought it was serious but found out he was married) and one relationship that was for real but not the right person. Through these experiences I've realized something. I don't want to be with someone only because I'm lonely. The loneliness passes. It comes in cycles and in varying intensities. I want to be strong enough to remain alone until the right man comes along. I want to be with someone because of what we bring to each other's lives. I want to be with a man who is going to enrich my life and that I will, in turn, enrich his. I want to be with someone who has walked the the valley of loneliness as well and was strong enough to remain alone until the right woman came along.

I think that sort of special is going to be worth the wait. :-)