Mental Health Check!

Sooo....I had a bit of a mental breakdown last week. Tears, wanting to quit, feeling lost, more tears. I cried for two days. I never cry. Ever. Apparently I've been saving them up.

Why? Well, it just got to me. It seems crazy that this is just now hitting me but....I'm a single mom. With FOUR children. The discipline falls to me. Clothing them falls to me. Feeding them falls to me. Teaching them and shaping them to be decent, up-standing adults...it falls to me. HOLY FREAKING SHIT!!!!

Ok, so take a moment and laugh. I can. Now. But last week I was feeling so overwhelmed. I failed my first physiology exam. The kids have been fighting so much. They treat each other horribly. They talk to me horribly. My oldest son is having some fairly significant emotional issues because of the divorce. He also has ADHD and we haven't medicated. That may change in the near future, however. My ex has stepped up his assholery to an all new level and I'm exhausted.

All I have to say is that I am so unbelievably blessed with my family and my friends. My best friend...wow. That woman is amazing. She listened to me cry and rant and rant and then she calmly helped me pick myself up. She said something that really struck a chord. She asked me why I was trying to do this all on my own. I've been trying to be a full-time mama, a full-time student, I'm trying to be perfect in all I do and I'm not asking for help from God or other people. When I told her that I didn't think God would really want to help me she said "Honey, you threw out the baby with the bath water on that one." I've been running so hard from my ex-husband that I left God behind too. I rejected my ex but in the process I rejected God.

So now...God and I have talked. My faith, although very small right now, is back. I've asked Him to help me. In what form that will take, I'm not sure. I haven't asked specifically. I just want to survive this. And I accepted help from my parents. I'm realizing that I can be a strong independent woman and still accept help from the people who are invested in seeing me succeed at this venture of mine.

My professor is willing to work with me and help me on one condition. She asked that I speak to the school counselor on a weekly basis. If I do this, she said that she will not let me fail physiology.

Now it is Sunday night and I have to admit, I'm not sure I'm ready for another week. But I'm going to leave last week in the past where it belongs and I'm going to pull on my big girl pants and face this next week with my head up.

Here goes....

Break ups

Dating as a single mom of four, is such a different thing from dating as a teenager. I broke up with my boyfriend tonight. He's a great guy. Has a good job, is responsible, caring, generous,  has a very kind heart. But he doesn't make my heart go pitter-patter. 

I haven't wanted to introduce him to my kids. I thought, at first, that I just was being cautious. That I didn't want to let them get attached to a man that may not be a permanent thing. But I realized that really, I just wasn't comfortable with the idea. I'm not sure why, but the idea of telling my kids that I was dating him just never felt right. 

I feel bad breaking up with him right before Christmas but I felt there was nothing to be gained by dragging it out and pretending all throughout the holidays.

For as lonely as I get sometimes, I don't want someone all up in my business. I don't want someone else involved in my kids' lives other than me. If I feel like sitting on the couch knitting all night, I don't feel like explaining myself. Above all, and maybe this makes me a horrible person, I don't want to share my limited time and attention with anyone other than my children. Between my kids and school, I'm tapped out. 

Break ups can really suck. But sometimes, there is no relief like knowing that you ended something that just wasn't a good fit.