Sooo....I had a bit of a mental breakdown last week. Tears, wanting to quit, feeling lost, more tears. I cried for two days. I never cry. Ever. Apparently I've been saving them up.
Why? Well, it just got to me. It seems crazy that this is just now hitting me but....I'm a single mom. With FOUR children. The discipline falls to me. Clothing them falls to me. Feeding them falls to me. Teaching them and shaping them to be decent, up-standing adults...it falls to me. HOLY FREAKING SHIT!!!!
Ok, so take a moment and laugh. I can. Now. But last week I was feeling so overwhelmed. I failed my first physiology exam. The kids have been fighting so much. They treat each other horribly. They talk to me horribly. My oldest son is having some fairly significant emotional issues because of the divorce. He also has ADHD and we haven't medicated. That may change in the near future, however. My ex has stepped up his assholery to an all new level and I'm exhausted.
All I have to say is that I am so unbelievably blessed with my family and my friends. My best friend...wow. That woman is amazing. She listened to me cry and rant and rant and then she calmly helped me pick myself up. She said something that really struck a chord. She asked me why I was trying to do this all on my own. I've been trying to be a full-time mama, a full-time student, I'm trying to be perfect in all I do and I'm not asking for help from God or other people. When I told her that I didn't think God would really want to help me she said "Honey, you threw out the baby with the bath water on that one." I've been running so hard from my ex-husband that I left God behind too. I rejected my ex but in the process I rejected God.
So now...God and I have talked. My faith, although very small right now, is back. I've asked Him to help me. In what form that will take, I'm not sure. I haven't asked specifically. I just want to survive this. And I accepted help from my parents. I'm realizing that I can be a strong independent woman and still accept help from the people who are invested in seeing me succeed at this venture of mine.
My professor is willing to work with me and help me on one condition. She asked that I speak to the school counselor on a weekly basis. If I do this, she said that she will not let me fail physiology.
Now it is Sunday night and I have to admit, I'm not sure I'm ready for another week. But I'm going to leave last week in the past where it belongs and I'm going to pull on my big girl pants and face this next week with my head up.
Here goes....
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Waiting...
I've met someone. Someone who has made me willing to stop dating around. We've talked a little. I have no idea if he is even interested in me. But I am definitely interested in him and I think he's worth getting to know better. I have no idea how to go about this. We have a mutual friend but our lives don't intersect anywhere other than our shared friend. I go stupid every time he talks to me. I am not a shy person but when he talks to me or is near me, every thought runs right out of my head. We had a 3 sentence conversation the other night and I'm kicking myself for not continuing the conversation. I know there will be another time but it frustrates me that I am incapable of having a intelligent conversation with him. I will not go stupid the next time I have a chance to talk to him. I hope.
No More Excuses...They Aren't Needed
I had this really profound realization the other day. I mean, like rock my world profound.
"I DON'T HAVE TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR WHO I AM."
Wow. Like...wow. It still rocks my world every time I say it to myself. I hope its rocking your world. Its not? Is it possible you aren't understanding? Here, let me explain how I got to the above sentence.
If you were to rate a person's self esteem on a 0 to 10 scale with 0 being having no self esteem and 10 being very confident, two years ago I would have been a -2. Since that time, I have left an abusive marriage, sought and received a divorce, found therapy for the children and I, enrolled full-time in college, maintained a 3.5 GPA (impressive to me because this is done while caring for FOUR young children), and have become mostly independent. My self esteem on the above scale is now around an 8.
I have dated a little but have mostly developed many online friendships. It is inevitable that at some point, the man I'm talking to wants to swap pictures. Which is normal. I usually like to see who I'm conversing with. I'm relatively good looking. I'm not full of myself but I know I'm not ugly. However, I am overweight. And it never failed that someone would say, "Wow, you are so beautiful." "So sexy" or something along those lines and I always felt the need to warn them about my weight. Like a disclaimer.
So about a month ago, I started talking with a man online. Now, I have to say that as I've gotten more involved in school and just getting out there and making friends, my online friendships have dwindled. I don't really seek them out anymore as I feel it is healthier for me to meet people face to face. I've made a concentrated effort to move my life out of the online world and into the real world. Ok, so the time comes to swap pics and I'll admit, I was scared. No one likes to be rejected on the basis of their looks. But he didn't reject me. And I found him to be kinda cute, if a bit thin. We have continued to talk and a couple of weeks ago, we met. Before meeting, I again felt the need to "warn" him that I'm a bigger girl. But this time...I didn't. I realized a couple of things.
1) I like me. I like my curves. I like my womanly shape. I love my breasts and if I lose a lot of weight, they are going to deflate.
2) Anyone who can't or won't accept me EXACTLY as I am...I don't want them in my life.
It was at that moment that I realized, I. LIKE. ME. I like who I am. I like the person I have become over the last year and a half. I like my body. I like my hair and the way I wear it. I like everything about me. Which then led to...I don't have to make excuses to ANYONE about who I am. It was such a liberating moment. I am who I am and I am what I am. And while I will always seek to better myself, I no longer seek to change myself to fit anyone's expectation other than my own.
I hope you understand now. I hope that this encourages someone else. So far, I'm the only one who reads this blog. :-) But at some point, I hope that this can help someone the way I've been helped.
You are awesome. You are beautiful. You are worthy.
"I DON'T HAVE TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR WHO I AM."
Wow. Like...wow. It still rocks my world every time I say it to myself. I hope its rocking your world. Its not? Is it possible you aren't understanding? Here, let me explain how I got to the above sentence.
If you were to rate a person's self esteem on a 0 to 10 scale with 0 being having no self esteem and 10 being very confident, two years ago I would have been a -2. Since that time, I have left an abusive marriage, sought and received a divorce, found therapy for the children and I, enrolled full-time in college, maintained a 3.5 GPA (impressive to me because this is done while caring for FOUR young children), and have become mostly independent. My self esteem on the above scale is now around an 8.
I have dated a little but have mostly developed many online friendships. It is inevitable that at some point, the man I'm talking to wants to swap pictures. Which is normal. I usually like to see who I'm conversing with. I'm relatively good looking. I'm not full of myself but I know I'm not ugly. However, I am overweight. And it never failed that someone would say, "Wow, you are so beautiful." "So sexy" or something along those lines and I always felt the need to warn them about my weight. Like a disclaimer.
So about a month ago, I started talking with a man online. Now, I have to say that as I've gotten more involved in school and just getting out there and making friends, my online friendships have dwindled. I don't really seek them out anymore as I feel it is healthier for me to meet people face to face. I've made a concentrated effort to move my life out of the online world and into the real world. Ok, so the time comes to swap pics and I'll admit, I was scared. No one likes to be rejected on the basis of their looks. But he didn't reject me. And I found him to be kinda cute, if a bit thin. We have continued to talk and a couple of weeks ago, we met. Before meeting, I again felt the need to "warn" him that I'm a bigger girl. But this time...I didn't. I realized a couple of things.
1) I like me. I like my curves. I like my womanly shape. I love my breasts and if I lose a lot of weight, they are going to deflate.
2) Anyone who can't or won't accept me EXACTLY as I am...I don't want them in my life.
It was at that moment that I realized, I. LIKE. ME. I like who I am. I like the person I have become over the last year and a half. I like my body. I like my hair and the way I wear it. I like everything about me. Which then led to...I don't have to make excuses to ANYONE about who I am. It was such a liberating moment. I am who I am and I am what I am. And while I will always seek to better myself, I no longer seek to change myself to fit anyone's expectation other than my own.
I hope you understand now. I hope that this encourages someone else. So far, I'm the only one who reads this blog. :-) But at some point, I hope that this can help someone the way I've been helped.
You are awesome. You are beautiful. You are worthy.
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