Religion, god, faith...walking away into something better.

I was raised in a conservative Christian home. My parents raised us to believe that the Bible is the literal Word of God and that it should be followed as such. We, my siblings and I, were raised to believe that God created the world in 6 24-hour days, that Jesus came to earth born of a virgin, was perfect and lived his life here on earth as God-man and then died for our sins. Acceptance of Christ was the ONLY way to go to heaven and I remember as a child of being terrified of hell. I accepted Christ because I didn't want to burn. There were no other options. We were raised that this was the only way to believe, it was the only right way and that all other ways were lies. I suppose this makes sense, if you believe the Bible as it is written, you don't want your children to go to hell and therefore raise them to believe only this.

I lived the typical Christian life as I grew up and through my teen years. I had periods of rebellion but overall I did a good job of living a Christian life. I went through some hard times after I graduated but believed that they occurred because I wasn't living faithfully enough. I married a Christian man and as children entered the picture, we committed to raising them in a Christian household. I believed that by being faithful and living according to the Bible, I was raising my children in a safe environment and that I was doing the right thing. I had blinders on to what was really happening. Eleven years into my marriage and it all began to break down.

My husband was never really faithful to me. It was only 6 months after we were married that he cheated for the first time. I learned of this while I was pregnant with our second child. He apologized and we moved on. It was a pattern that would be repeated over the next 8 years. He would cheat, begin to feel guilty, come to me and confess, I forgave (and was supposed to forget) and we would move on. Each time, it got harder and I began to question. I began to read books by the Pearls (my opinion on these people is not good and will be reserved for a post of its own. They are evil.) which led me to believe that all of the problems we were experiencing in our marriage were my fault because of my lack of submission to my husband who, I was told, was my authority and the voice of god to me. The last straw for me was when my husband asked for an open marriage and the truth of his sexual tastes was revealed to me. This was a man who was a leader in the church. He was an overseer. All of a sudden, I thought, I'm following this man because "God" tells me to and yet he doesn't follow it himself. The hypocrisy of my situation was ridiculous. I left him but I didn't leave my faith. To be fair, I needed that faith to make it through the months that lay ahead. I still had questions though. Questions that the church wasn't answering and that made other Christians uncomfortable to hear asked out loud.

Questions such as:

How can a "loving" God command the murder of entire populations of people, men women and children? (Old Testament is full of these kinds of examples)

If we are to follow the Bible as the literal word of God then why aren't we stoning our rebellious children? Why aren't women still required to cover their heads? Why are divorced people allowed to serve in positions of leadership? Why do we wear mixed fabrics?

Why am I being told to be more forgiving and stay with an unfaithful man who habitually cheated?

Why, when I proceeded to seek a divorce, was I asked to step down from the praise team but my ex-husband was allowed to continue on in his positions in the church?

Fast forward to today. Three years after I left my marriage, I believe in a god but I no longer believe that it is the God of the bible. I cannot deny that there is a power greater than I, greater than humanity. However, after much searching and questioning I no longer believe the Bible to be the literal Word of God.

Many who subscribe to the Christian faith would say that I'm bitter that God didn't do what I wanted him to and that this "crisis" of faith is because I'm not accepting his will. That isn't the case at all. I've researched how the bible came to be and that knowledge alone was enough to make me question my blind devotion to it's teachings. The bible wasn't inspired. It was put together by the men of the church to control the populace. They picked and chose what would be included in this "holy" book by what would support the deity of Christ. That's the basics. There is much more to the history of it but suffice it to say that there are many writings from that time that could have been included but they didn't support the version of history the church leaders wanted to be remembered and so these writings were left out.

This knowledge stunned me. It made me so angry. I felt so lied to. It took me almost four months to work my way through this blinding rage that I felt at the knowledge that I had been lied to my whole life. I had based my ENTIRE life on a book that wasn't even true. Truthfully, I'm not done working my way through it. The anger is still there but it is no longer a blind rage, it is more a burning fire that motivates me to learn the truth and to stop furthering untruths. The realization that I no longer had faith in the bible turned my world upside down.

How was I going to raise my children? The only framework I had was scripture.

How was I going to make decisions? I had always relied on the Bible to tell me what to do.

What about my family and friends who still believe? My acceptance by them feels dependent on my believing what they believe.

I learned that I can still raise my children to be good, decent people without going to the bible for everything. It is harder. I can no longer just say "You must do this because God commands it." But I also feel that it makes me think more about what I tell them to do and how I instruct them. I'm teaching them to think about their actions and WHY something should or shouldn't be done. I'm teaching them to think about the impact on humanity and others and their own consciences in regards to their actions. Yes, often, they end up following what the bible teaches but sometimes they don't. Such as the teachings of the bible on homosexuality. The kids are learning to question why god would create people to be gay and then sentence them to hell. I think these are excellent questions for them to ask.

I learned the same thing about making decisions. Relying on the bible to tell me what to do saved me from having to take responsibility for the decisions I made. I could just say "The bible told me...". Now I have to research and think. Wow...so sad as I write that out. We SHOULD have to think and reason and figure it out instead of just wanting someone to tell us what to do. I'm learning to think critically about situations and I'm becoming a better person in the process.

The friends and family issue? Still not resolved. I've lost most of my friends from my old life. Or rather, I've given them up. We no longer have anything in common and it is very awkward to say I don't believe what you believe anymore. I've tried to pretend and nod and smile but it is so false that I cannot continue. One of the things I had determined when I left my ex-husband was that I wasn't going to pretend anymore. I was going to be true to myself. I still hold to that, I just hadn't realized who that self was going to be and how hard it was going to be to be true.

This week, for the first time, I finally told someone from the church that I no longer claim to be a christian. That I no longer believe the bible. It was terrifying but freeing. I realized then that I needed to tell my best friend. I was so scared. This woman is amazing. She is my support system. She has been my tether to reality and to sanity when the waves of my life have tried to drown me. She is also one of the strongest Christian women I know. She and her husband are REAL people and they are the one reason I haven't turned my back on Christians altogether. I also know how dear to her the words of the bible are and I didn't want to hurt her. At the same time, she is my BEST friend and I felt like this needed to be in the open because by nodding and pretending I was lying to her and you can't have a relationship with someone if you are lying. Especially about something so important to the other. So...I told her. And she is still my best friend and I know she still loves me. I know that it hurts her heart to know that I don't believe and I know that she still goes to her God in prayer for me. And it doesn't offend me because she isn't trying to control me, she just loves me and according to her belief system, I'm lost.

My family? This is going to be harder. My sister and her husband, they already know and because they are atheists, they support me. One of my brothers know and he's supportive as well. My littlest brother and my parents do not know and I haven't figured out how to handle it. It will break my parent's hearts. My mom is a very strong personality and I have tried my entire life to earn her approval. She is proud of me for going to school and for doing so well on my own but she will not understand my walking away from the faith. She will not approve and this hurts my heart in a way I don't even know how to express. My dad is a quiet person and he won't verbally express disappointment or sadness but I'll see it in his eyes. My little brother and his wife are in college to be missionaries. Their faith is their life's work. I don't want them to look at me and see me as lost and yet I don't know that it can be any other way. To them, nothing matters or is worthwhile without Christ and so no matter what I do, I will not be enough.

I've asked myself if the potential loss is worth what I'm gaining by being true to myself. The answer continues to be yes. It is going to be hard and I imagine I'm going to cry many tears through the process of being honest with people. But I cannot and will not be false. I will not pretend to be something other than what I am.

I'm BACK!

Honestly not sure many of you even realized I was gone seeing as I think I have maybe one or two readers. :-) But that's ok.

The last year and a half has been very full of learning and self-discovery. Being in nursing school full-time and being a full-time mom has been hard and has left me with very little free time. I've also been running low on cheerfulness and didn't really want this blog to become whiny. I'm still struggling to be positive but I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel and I think that it is time for me to return. Some of the lessons I've learned this last 18 months have been painful, but at the same time liberating. I've been working my way through my faith (or really, lack thereof), I'm learning how to parent pre-teens (scariest job EVER), I'm learning I can't be perfect and that it isn't really healthy for me to try. I'm learning how to draw boundaries around me and not allow other people's drama and bullshit to creep into my life or at least not take on the burden of their crap. I'm learning that there are many different kinds of love and learning that each has a place in my life. I've made some really terrific friends. I fell into a relationship that seemed fantastic and perfect only to learn that perfection like that only happens in the movies. In reality I learned that some mental illnesses cannot be overcome and it isn't my job to help or heal. I've not done a good job of guarding my heart and I love people that I don't know if they will ever know how much I love them and I'm learning that that is ok too. I'm learning to recognize what my needs are and how to meet them because I am such a better mom, friend, student and basically a better person when I am having my needs met.

I do hope to post on a regular basis. I start back to school in just TWO days and so it will depend a lot on how my homework load unfolds.

Mental Health Check!

Sooo....I had a bit of a mental breakdown last week. Tears, wanting to quit, feeling lost, more tears. I cried for two days. I never cry. Ever. Apparently I've been saving them up.

Why? Well, it just got to me. It seems crazy that this is just now hitting me but....I'm a single mom. With FOUR children. The discipline falls to me. Clothing them falls to me. Feeding them falls to me. Teaching them and shaping them to be decent, up-standing adults...it falls to me. HOLY FREAKING SHIT!!!!

Ok, so take a moment and laugh. I can. Now. But last week I was feeling so overwhelmed. I failed my first physiology exam. The kids have been fighting so much. They treat each other horribly. They talk to me horribly. My oldest son is having some fairly significant emotional issues because of the divorce. He also has ADHD and we haven't medicated. That may change in the near future, however. My ex has stepped up his assholery to an all new level and I'm exhausted.

All I have to say is that I am so unbelievably blessed with my family and my friends. My best friend...wow. That woman is amazing. She listened to me cry and rant and rant and then she calmly helped me pick myself up. She said something that really struck a chord. She asked me why I was trying to do this all on my own. I've been trying to be a full-time mama, a full-time student, I'm trying to be perfect in all I do and I'm not asking for help from God or other people. When I told her that I didn't think God would really want to help me she said "Honey, you threw out the baby with the bath water on that one." I've been running so hard from my ex-husband that I left God behind too. I rejected my ex but in the process I rejected God.

So now...God and I have talked. My faith, although very small right now, is back. I've asked Him to help me. In what form that will take, I'm not sure. I haven't asked specifically. I just want to survive this. And I accepted help from my parents. I'm realizing that I can be a strong independent woman and still accept help from the people who are invested in seeing me succeed at this venture of mine.

My professor is willing to work with me and help me on one condition. She asked that I speak to the school counselor on a weekly basis. If I do this, she said that she will not let me fail physiology.

Now it is Sunday night and I have to admit, I'm not sure I'm ready for another week. But I'm going to leave last week in the past where it belongs and I'm going to pull on my big girl pants and face this next week with my head up.

Here goes....

Waiting...

I've met someone. Someone who has made me willing to stop dating around. We've talked a little. I have no idea if he is even interested in me. But I am definitely interested in him and I think he's worth getting to know better. I have no idea how to go about this. We have a mutual friend but our lives don't intersect anywhere other than our shared friend. I go stupid every time he talks to me. I am not a shy person but when he talks to me or is near me, every thought runs right out of my head. We had a 3 sentence conversation the other night and I'm kicking myself for not continuing the conversation. I know there will be another time but it frustrates me that I am incapable of having a intelligent conversation with him. I will not go stupid the next time I have a chance to talk to him. I hope.

No More Excuses...They Aren't Needed

I had this really profound realization the other day. I mean, like rock my world profound.

"I DON'T HAVE TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR WHO I AM."

Wow. Like...wow. It still rocks my world every time I say it to myself. I hope its rocking your world. Its not? Is it possible you aren't understanding? Here, let me explain how I got to the above sentence.

If you were to rate a person's self esteem on a 0 to 10 scale with 0 being having no self esteem and 10 being very confident, two years ago I would have been a -2. Since that time, I have left an abusive marriage, sought and received a divorce, found therapy for the children and I, enrolled full-time in college, maintained a 3.5 GPA (impressive to me because this is done while caring for FOUR young children), and have become mostly independent. My self esteem on the above scale is now around an 8.

I have dated a little but have mostly developed many online friendships. It is inevitable that at some point, the man I'm talking to wants to swap pictures. Which is normal. I usually like to see who I'm conversing with. I'm relatively good looking. I'm not full  of myself but I know I'm not ugly. However, I am overweight. And it never failed that someone would say, "Wow, you are so beautiful." "So sexy" or something along those lines and I always felt the need to warn them about my weight. Like a disclaimer.

So about a month ago, I started talking with a man online. Now, I have to say that as I've gotten more involved in school and just getting out there and making friends, my online friendships have dwindled. I don't really seek them out anymore as I feel it is healthier for me to meet people face to face. I've made a concentrated effort to move my life out of the online world and into the real world. Ok, so the time comes to swap pics and I'll admit, I was scared. No one likes to be rejected on the basis of their looks. But he didn't reject me. And I found him to be kinda cute, if a bit thin. We have continued to talk and a couple of weeks ago, we met. Before meeting, I again felt the need to "warn" him that I'm a bigger girl. But this time...I didn't. I realized a couple of things.

1) I like me. I like my curves. I like my womanly shape. I love my breasts and if I lose a lot of weight, they are going to deflate.

2) Anyone who can't or won't accept me EXACTLY as I am...I don't want them in my life.

It was at that moment that I realized, I. LIKE. ME. I like who I am. I like the person I have become over the last year and a half. I like my body. I like my hair and the way I wear it. I like everything about me. Which then led to...I don't have to make excuses to ANYONE about who I am. It was such a liberating moment. I am who I am and I am what I am. And while I will always seek to better myself, I no longer seek to change myself to fit anyone's expectation other than my own.

I hope you understand now. I hope that this encourages someone else. So far, I'm the only one who reads this blog. :-) But at some point, I hope that this can help someone the way I've been helped.

You are awesome. You are beautiful. You are worthy.

Blessings in 2011

I've felt like my first few posts have been more negative than positive. So, I thought I should post something positive. What could be more positive than listing my blessings from last year?

1) My divorce was finalized in February of 2011.

2) I completed my first year of college with mostly A's.

3) I received a job offer for the summer which helped replace the child support I wasn't receiving.

4) I received a full-ride scholarship to a private university here. The scholarship is good for 5 years and enables me to be a full-time student and NOT have to work.

5) I got a car after not having one for 6 months.

6) My little brother got married and I gained a really cool sister.

7) I began receiving child support again through child support recovery.

8) I completed my first semester at university with all A's and B's.

9) The kids and I moved into our own place.

10) I not only survived in 2011...I THRIVED!

These aren't necessarily in the order that they happened. But its amazing to look back and see what a great year I really had. Its so easy to focus on the negative (a lot of really crappy things happened last year too) but...I think I'll have a better frame of mind if I focus on the good stuff.

Just For Today

I read this in Dear Abby a couple of weeks ago. I think its from AA or something similar. But I found that it really applied to me so decided I'd share it here.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once.

I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things that I can correct and accept those I cannot.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. I will improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking.

Just for today, I will refrain from improving anybody but myself.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. If I am overweight, I will eat healthfully -- if only for today. And not only that, I will get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will gather the courage to do what is right and take the responsibility for my own actions.

Each one of these just seem so simple. And yet, if I practice these every day...I think I'll be so much closer to being the person I want to be.