No More Excuses...They Aren't Needed

I had this really profound realization the other day. I mean, like rock my world profound.

"I DON'T HAVE TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR WHO I AM."

Wow. Like...wow. It still rocks my world every time I say it to myself. I hope its rocking your world. Its not? Is it possible you aren't understanding? Here, let me explain how I got to the above sentence.

If you were to rate a person's self esteem on a 0 to 10 scale with 0 being having no self esteem and 10 being very confident, two years ago I would have been a -2. Since that time, I have left an abusive marriage, sought and received a divorce, found therapy for the children and I, enrolled full-time in college, maintained a 3.5 GPA (impressive to me because this is done while caring for FOUR young children), and have become mostly independent. My self esteem on the above scale is now around an 8.

I have dated a little but have mostly developed many online friendships. It is inevitable that at some point, the man I'm talking to wants to swap pictures. Which is normal. I usually like to see who I'm conversing with. I'm relatively good looking. I'm not full  of myself but I know I'm not ugly. However, I am overweight. And it never failed that someone would say, "Wow, you are so beautiful." "So sexy" or something along those lines and I always felt the need to warn them about my weight. Like a disclaimer.

So about a month ago, I started talking with a man online. Now, I have to say that as I've gotten more involved in school and just getting out there and making friends, my online friendships have dwindled. I don't really seek them out anymore as I feel it is healthier for me to meet people face to face. I've made a concentrated effort to move my life out of the online world and into the real world. Ok, so the time comes to swap pics and I'll admit, I was scared. No one likes to be rejected on the basis of their looks. But he didn't reject me. And I found him to be kinda cute, if a bit thin. We have continued to talk and a couple of weeks ago, we met. Before meeting, I again felt the need to "warn" him that I'm a bigger girl. But this time...I didn't. I realized a couple of things.

1) I like me. I like my curves. I like my womanly shape. I love my breasts and if I lose a lot of weight, they are going to deflate.

2) Anyone who can't or won't accept me EXACTLY as I am...I don't want them in my life.

It was at that moment that I realized, I. LIKE. ME. I like who I am. I like the person I have become over the last year and a half. I like my body. I like my hair and the way I wear it. I like everything about me. Which then led to...I don't have to make excuses to ANYONE about who I am. It was such a liberating moment. I am who I am and I am what I am. And while I will always seek to better myself, I no longer seek to change myself to fit anyone's expectation other than my own.

I hope you understand now. I hope that this encourages someone else. So far, I'm the only one who reads this blog. :-) But at some point, I hope that this can help someone the way I've been helped.

You are awesome. You are beautiful. You are worthy.