Blessings in 2011

I've felt like my first few posts have been more negative than positive. So, I thought I should post something positive. What could be more positive than listing my blessings from last year?

1) My divorce was finalized in February of 2011.

2) I completed my first year of college with mostly A's.

3) I received a job offer for the summer which helped replace the child support I wasn't receiving.

4) I received a full-ride scholarship to a private university here. The scholarship is good for 5 years and enables me to be a full-time student and NOT have to work.

5) I got a car after not having one for 6 months.

6) My little brother got married and I gained a really cool sister.

7) I began receiving child support again through child support recovery.

8) I completed my first semester at university with all A's and B's.

9) The kids and I moved into our own place.

10) I not only survived in 2011...I THRIVED!

These aren't necessarily in the order that they happened. But its amazing to look back and see what a great year I really had. Its so easy to focus on the negative (a lot of really crappy things happened last year too) but...I think I'll have a better frame of mind if I focus on the good stuff.

Just For Today

I read this in Dear Abby a couple of weeks ago. I think its from AA or something similar. But I found that it really applied to me so decided I'd share it here.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once.

I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things that I can correct and accept those I cannot.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. I will improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking.

Just for today, I will refrain from improving anybody but myself.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. If I am overweight, I will eat healthfully -- if only for today. And not only that, I will get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will gather the courage to do what is right and take the responsibility for my own actions.

Each one of these just seem so simple. And yet, if I practice these every day...I think I'll be so much closer to being the person I want to be.

Divorce Blues

Its been almost a year since my divorce was final. A full year and a half since I took the children and left my ex-husband. Its funny, time dulls the hurt for sure but no one tells you that you'll start to forget why you left in the first place. Its such a crazy thing.

But I've been struggling lately. Struggling with being in a relationship that wasn't a good fit and ending it. Wanting to be in a relationship but knowing that now is not the right time and that I need to let my special someone come to me. I really believe that when the time is right, I will meet Mr. Right. But even though I know these things, I'm still lonely. I miss having someone to text through out the day, someone to cuddle up with during movies, someone to care for and someone to care for me. I miss sex. Dear god, I miss sex. 

My ex-husband has been pretty nice lately. And I've been having this strange guilt and regret over the divorce.   The knowledge that my ex would be willing to reconcile combined with this guilt and regret could have led me to do something stupid. But today it was time to clean out the file drawer. There was a lot of things to go through. The last file I went through was my lawyer file. As I started cruising through the papers, it all came back like a tidal wave. The fear, hiding with the children in a safe house until he calmed down. The anger, that he would endanger the children and I. The hurt, that he would lie about me like that to other people, that he would keep me from living in my own home. The betrayal, by him and by the church that told me that I should be more forgiving and stay with an abusive unfaithful man to try to redeem him. The feeling that no one understood my nightmare. I try very hard to not hold on to anger or negative feelings. So it makes sense that all those feelings have faded and I've forgotten much of it. But reading through those papers was such a good reminder that my ex is capable of appearing kind and appearing to care, but that underneath is a predator who wants nothing more than to destroy me. It was a sobering reminder.

Over the last year, I have flirted, talked with men online, gone on actual dates, been in one kinda relationship (I thought it was serious but found out he was married) and one relationship that was for real but not the right person. Through these experiences I've realized something. I don't want to be with someone only because I'm lonely. The loneliness passes. It comes in cycles and in varying intensities. I want to be strong enough to remain alone until the right man comes along. I want to be with someone because of what we bring to each other's lives. I want to be with a man who is going to enrich my life and that I will, in turn, enrich his. I want to be with someone who has walked the the valley of loneliness as well and was strong enough to remain alone until the right woman came along.

I think that sort of special is going to be worth the wait. :-)

Aaaaand Now I Know...

Well, my unease at introducing my boyfriend (now an ex) to my children has been justified. He has not handled the break up with grace. I'm taking the road of ignoring the constant texts. If it continues, I will be forced to block his number from my phone.

At first, I felt bad for breaking up with him, however, as the days have passed, my sympathy for him has dwindled and changed into irritation. He has tried shaming me into being with him, he has told me that I'm really in love with him I just won't admit it, he has tried to make me feel sorry for him and now he is just annoying the hell out of me.

I'm glad I broke up with him now. Hopefully he will get over this and leave me alone soon. I can't have this distraction when school starts again.

Break ups

Dating as a single mom of four, is such a different thing from dating as a teenager. I broke up with my boyfriend tonight. He's a great guy. Has a good job, is responsible, caring, generous,  has a very kind heart. But he doesn't make my heart go pitter-patter. 

I haven't wanted to introduce him to my kids. I thought, at first, that I just was being cautious. That I didn't want to let them get attached to a man that may not be a permanent thing. But I realized that really, I just wasn't comfortable with the idea. I'm not sure why, but the idea of telling my kids that I was dating him just never felt right. 

I feel bad breaking up with him right before Christmas but I felt there was nothing to be gained by dragging it out and pretending all throughout the holidays.

For as lonely as I get sometimes, I don't want someone all up in my business. I don't want someone else involved in my kids' lives other than me. If I feel like sitting on the couch knitting all night, I don't feel like explaining myself. Above all, and maybe this makes me a horrible person, I don't want to share my limited time and attention with anyone other than my children. Between my kids and school, I'm tapped out. 

Break ups can really suck. But sometimes, there is no relief like knowing that you ended something that just wasn't a good fit. 

Bah-Humbug?

Not sure what my deal is this year. I'm not feeling the Christmas spirit. I really couldn't care any less about all of it. I think there are several things that come into play here.

1) My faith in God went down the crapper last January and is just now starting to come back. However, just like  anything that goes down the toilet....its gone through some radical changes and it looks nothing like it used to.

2) I'm broke. I'm beyond broke. I wasn't able to get the kids anything this year. I'm very very very thankful for charities that bought gifts for my kids.

3) I'm in a relationship that I know isn't going to work out. Its like wearing a too-small shirt. But I also don't feel that I can't break up with him before Christmas. Just seems wrong. (Since writing this, he has proceeded to freak me out with talks of marriage and more babies. If this continues, my hesitation to break up with him before Christmas will be overcome by my panic at talks of marriage!)

4) I'm tired. I'm bone achingly tired. I think part of this is just winter depression. I struggle with it every year as does my sister. It happens every year and yet every year I am surprised by it. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't want to clean, I don't want to cook, I don't want to be around anyone but I feel lonelier than any other time of the year.

I'm trying to at least be positive and not a downer for my kids. I'm trying to not let them see that the twinkling lights and Christmas songs and all the decorations are grating on me like nails on a chalkboard. Kids are smart though, and I'm pretty sure that they can see right through my sad attempts to be jolly. Harder than my kids though is my mom. I love that woman. I love her so so much. But she has these expectations of the holidays and I'm not meeting her expectations this year. I declined to spend Christmas day with them. When asked why I told her I just want to be a hermit and ignore the holiday. This was met by shock and disbelief. She said that its not healthy for me to shut myself away. I think its not healthy to pretend to be fine when I'm not. *sigh*

So...I hope all of you have a Merry Christmas. I really do. I'm going to enjoy my Christmas snuggled into my bed with my knitting and hope the day passes without incident.

Resistenza and Delicatezza

Shortly after leaving my husband (now an ex-husband, thank goodness!) my therapist encouraged to find my life word. I was confused, having never heard of a life word. Basically, she said, find a word that represented my life in the past, the present and the future. I started thinking on it but only now, almost a year and a half after learning what a life word is, have I found my words. I chose my words in Italian because not only do I have family history in Italy, I also LOVE Italy and it is a place that I hold near and dear to my heart.

Resistenza (Strength) - resistance, stamina, endurance, strength, hardiness

Delicatezza (Gentleness) - delicacy, gentleness, softness, daintiness, care, nicety

I picked these words because I want to be strong and yet balance that with gentleness. Sometimes when I have to fight so hard to survive, to protect myself and my children, I feel myself get hardened to my emotions, to the emotions of others. That isn't who I want to be. I want to be the warm, caring, loving person that I know myself to be. But I also have to be strong enough to stand up for myself and for my children.

Everyone's life word(s) will be different. I mean, it may be the same letters arranged in the same way but it will have a meaning just for you. I encourage you to think about what your life word is. It has been amazing to me how much the process of finding my words changed me. I've grown so much in my search. I feel like I have defined the path I have taken, reminded myself of the path I am on and lined out a plan for the path I want to travel.